I Want My Life to be My Art
that's it. those are the words for the thing i've been fumbling to since i was clear of cancer. that's what the poems and pictures have all been pointing to. look at the pictures!
the whole thing has been so fucking 'message-y', how could i have missed it? 
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David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
gifts from the woman i'm in love with:
this book, queesting, a new understanding of holding hands, , this book, consultation abt spencer, reflection on my marriage, making me talk about childhood wounds, dancing in my kitchen, tasting-even when she really didn't want to, the warrior training, coffee for the ride home, the constant challenge, forgiving me for tango, offering to learn to tango, this book, trader joe's key lime pie, her bean salad, engulfing my hardness in the sweet slippery softness of her, kissing me the way i like to be kissed, setting the alarm for very early, walking out of bad movies, teaching me how to listen in spite of my handicap,
oh. and this book too.
----15, 31 and 33
the end of the whole thing is my being. the beginning too. if i cultivate the garden, there will be fruit. and so on, rumi-like.
what's happened is that i've lost my balance. easy to see how it happened, she gave me a hard shove. but why the shove? maybe because i was losing my balance.
the secret (i think) doesn't lie in caring less. it's in caring about what's in me and caring about that first. the garden i need to tend is me, in spite of all those other childhood messages. in spite of all those other childhood messages. and in spite of all those other, contrary childhood messages.
to be a man now, to have a life now, to have anything in so far as any thing can be had, i have to start centered, low to the ground, laughing and entirely myself.
the intuition about tai chi may have been right on the mark. in spite of all those other childhood messages. in spite.
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this is a different way of being with a woman. it's about a difference, not about the similarity.
it's different from our friend terry real, it's scarier because you always have to be in translation and it's more exciting because you have to adjust your brain to think a foreign thought. this is man the hunter.
i'm out of practice, but the ground of it feels good.
--5,7 and 8
this is scary stuff. what's my purpose anyway? my mission? it's to make the world a kinder, more beautiful and more delicious place. is that the end of it? probably not-there's probably something after that and maybe even after that. scary? yes.
fear needs to become your friend? we got pretty well acquainted this week. had some good moments because of it, and i think i'll give fear some (limited) playing time.
also, if there ever was a call to go back to the mat, this is it.
--9 do it for love?
yeah, i think i'm signed up for this one. no, i haven't given my fullest gift yet and i'm scared that i'll never get to. and i want to give it to someone who can see beyond the wrapping and into the heart of the thing. i want to be heard, even if i have to be quiet.
---12
be willing to change everything in your life? how oddly appropriate, how write (written) out of the ol' jungian synchronicity engine. yup. i just saw an old subscription expire. i'm giving myself a three-month sabbatical with tuition benefits to figure out what's next.
in the meantime, i have some rules for living in the sabbatical. some different grounds on which i'll stand.
--11
if you don't know your purpose, discover it? easy for him to say.
--16
women are not liars? you bet your life they're not.
he says to believe women only when their love is flowing. i add: believe all the warnings when it's not.
in the end it seems to be about standing inside your own space and not being drawn out to protect your ego. this is a discipline for me to learn. it's a kind of confidence that i'm worth it whether you think so or not. it's what the sabbatical is about.
29
choose a woman who chooses you?
i can always tell when somebody is inviting me in, but sometimes i have trouble telling when they're
inviting me to leave. i want to be wanted.
have i been leaning in while you've been leaning out? have you read essay 29?
do you already know how this ends?
i don't have friends to ask (as he suggests). i 'd have to ask your friends. what would they say?
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the woman i'm in love with has become a lot more sexual in the time i've known her. it's not just that we're having more sex, it's that sex has changed for her. she says it and i feel it. i could make some
cause and effect suggestions here, but i won't.
what i will suggest is that there's maybe more where that came from.
the woman i'm in love with has been through some changes in the time i've known her. maybe she's grown a bit too.
here's the last thing for today. my love for her won't stand for some second-class, one of the boys treatments. we have to give this a true test to see if we can grow spectacularly together. i propose a moratorium on other dating: temporary monogamy. let's go for spectacular or not go at all.
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