his proclivity and my constraint have added up to an intimacy deficiency for the woman i'm in love with. so today-right now i guess-she's taking a 3 hour train ride to go meet him. they haven't met in person.
i'm resisting the impulse to send her flowers, or cheery updates or write her a poem (she finds poems to be depersonalizing so that wouldn't be good). and i'm anxious, fragile, feeling like i could crack apart and spill out like an egg white. you could make a lot of chocolate mousse with the self i'm leaking right now.
so this is a record of thoughts and feelings on a day when i'm waiting for a verdict. the question is:
will she commit some time to me for us to see if we can be happy together? or is this new fellow going to be the object of her energy in relationship?
------------
i've made up that there are only two answers, two verdicts. she may come home feeling something less conclusive.
i've made up that this alternative guy is the only thing that's keeping her from giving us a chance.
and so,
i've made up that i only have this one day of sick anxiety to live with.
i've made up that writing this blog will keep me grounded and sane.
----
i sent her a poem. it's not a love poem, it's a political, outward-facing poem that i was submitting to an anthology. i guess i wanted her to see my passion even though she tells me that my poems turn her off, they seem impersonal as if someone's hiding behind them. i send it anyway and question my motive and then i don't.
i've been up since five which was about the time she had to get up to catch her train. my dog is looking at me with his nose on my typing hand. he's saying something about going out and he's also saying something about what's wrong. he's been clingy, more adhesive than usual. he dances from side to side when i cry so for both our sakes, i keep breathing slow. time to go.
---
the woman i'm in love with is fond of prologue. she likes to get things exactly, emotionally right, so she stops herself in her saying to re-set the stage, adjust the drapes, turn on another light. so i think the verdict will be delivered slowly. interruptus.
i notice the word 'verdict'. it sounds like a trial is in progress, even suggests that there could be guilt or innocence. 'verdict' seems harsh and inhumane and i like it anyway. its real meaning is 'to say the truth' veritas plus dictum. the woman is a truth-teller. she chases it down the path, she climbs trees for it. she won't 'deliver a verdict' like a judge or jury, but she will offer one up, with kind words i'm sure and with few words i hope.
in fact she's finding me stingy with my own truth.(god, i hate to be thought stingy).
---
the woman likes romantic comedy. she sometimes asks the title of the one we're in.
i like that because
in a real romantic comedy,
nobody good gets hurt
back from the woods where i avoided company and walked to silence.
the question is: how will i spend this day waiting for the verdict?
•i'll medicate by writing this
•i'll take care of my body with some yoga-the gym
•i'll do some karma yoga-tend the house
•i'll do some truth yoga-see joan tonight, go to cabaret at arden and talk to her in the car about our truths, maybe say some gentle things that need to be said. gratitudes.
•i won't do any forced 'why-i's' i won't do any driven looking for answers. i won't wonder why i over react to being mistaken (e meglio d'essere cornuto che malintesa). i won't wonder about what keeps me from responding to her sharing with sharing of my own. if a why-i comes up by itself, i'll make it a cup of coffee and invite it to sit down and talk.
•i'll honor her pain. i have one of the core documents of her torment and i'll torment myself with it in solidarity
•i'll write to spencer. yikes.
----
i wonder if the woman i'm in love with will reach out to me today. maybe that's too much. maybe it's better if she stays within herself to meet the other man.
---dear spencer,
dear spencer,
i'm looking forward to our visit on sunday and i have to tell you that i'm a little nervous. a lot has happend to me in the last few years and even more in the last few months. i'm taking a serious (though not solemn) look at my life, what i've done and where it got me. needless to say, i've had some help with this.
one of the things that makes me sad is that you and i don't feel close. i'd like to repair our connection and i'd like to talk to you about it on sunday. would that be okay?
love, dad
-----
and this from last night:
fatigue is setting in along with nausea. i see that the woman i love has opened my email to her. i want to call her, hear her voice. and i think i'll let her have the quiet to process the day. i have to review a show tonight and i plan to have a talk with joan about what's going on in my life. i hope i'm not too agitated for the review or too despondent for the talk with joan.
---texts
Headline to dear You-- iam sorry you have had a miserable day, but you should be the first to know that no one has
there was a bandwidth of spiritual familiarity with him, and it just felt good being totally my lself in a non pressured situation w a guy...but there were many areas of non resonance and there was no romantic vibe on my part
i want to read your ewails and blogs and hopefully sleep, so you may not get to read responses to you writing until later tonight.
You and me feels in process and i would welcom an evening tomorrow of intimate truth-sharing and Argo with you... and food secondary. i am feeling loving and open and shitty i put through the last few days... and i feel a little clearer about me and men.
And i really love you@
so what do we have here? perhaps a new beginning? i'm certainly ready.
what i learned is that i am willing to put up with a great deal of pain for the sake of a better, purer emotional space. i don't want to spend the rest of my life on the surface of my self and the world. i want to dig.
so what does this mean?
how do i know?
my guess is that it starts with confronting some truths. the woman i'm in love with is good with childhood wounds, so i'll take advantage of her knowledge. another guess is that writing about it is at the heart of things for me. the writing i did here ain't bad. it really hurt to do it, but it's not bad stuff and it may even be of value.
so. here's my short-term plan: from now 'til the end of summer, i'm going to maximize self-knowledge. i guess that means something like a
•radical honesty coupled with an
•unaccustomed humility.
first task: sit down
second: shut up and listen
third; breathe
fourth: pay attention
fifth: tell my story
i need to do something with my body too. my way has been good so far, and now it's time (see above) to go deeper. i guess i'll start by asking questions.
the woman i love wants to talk. i suspect that it won't be the boys-and-girls together chat i'm hoping for, but it could be a great opportunity for me to just listen to her and keep my self in its place. so tomorrow, it starts. every day with her is a dive down if i have the courage and after today, what could scare me?
---- ps. i get a note from her with this line;
The decision to keep my relationship w Chris at a platonic minimum doesn't (alas!) totally inform the rest of my relationship life
scare me? there's a fair warning.
-----
and this from last night:
I think the oracles suggest that you should continue writing poetry...as I should continue doing therapy. And that both of us get clearer where our avocations/vocations/gifts become a substitute for inspired and enlivened relating.
---nancy dreyfus
and that's what happened at my tasting tonight. i heard myself doing this enlightened gourmet thing and all of a sudden (or maybe not) i saw it as a substitute for inspired living. i don't know how much the poetry is a mask-i suspect it is partially. but i'm pretty sure about the beer tastings.
so you want to know what alcohol has meant for me? i guess there's more than one way to use it to avoid being alive. what a waste.
---
returned from the gym. it's still lunchtime in new haven, i guess. i had an hour of calm and focus, but when i got to my car, i sobbed. then home, fantasizing actions and outcomes all out of my control. it gets maudlin: are they going for a walk? does she hold his hand? has he charmed her with personal anecdotes?
---
i'm thinking that the longer it takes the woman i'm in love with to get in touch, the worse the outcome for me. then maybe not. i think i'll clean house and check my phone every eight minutes.
---
here's how crazy it is: it's 2:00, well, 1:58 and i figure that if she were not impressed, i'd have heard by now. current fantasy is that she comes back wanting to keep both relationships. can i do that? can i not?
----
nancy, i was impressed by your friend's idea of simply listing things he liked. it seems like a quick, if admittedly shallow start to getting to really know someone. i wish i'd thought of it and i'm thinking of it now. so here's mine.
(this should have been my profile on the dating site)
home-baked bread
tart desserts
slow dancing
short sleeves
the ocean
small boats
wise women
lakes
scallops
a glass of milk
gratitude
salmon
women in men's shirts
conversations that go up to abstract
people that get down and dance
quiet
sundays at home
spooning
trader joe's key lime pie
cheese
butterflies
collage
walking meditation
walking meditation
auguste rodin
the kinks
fresh herbs
matisse cutouts
sandals
lakes and bays
kayaks
japanese anything
great ice cream
walking in the city
art deco furniture
oriental rugs
sushi
radical truth telling
kindness
sitting meditation
sitting meditation
big bath tubs
funny women
billy collins poems
rittenhouse square
mark twain
the italian market
river walks
thin crust pizza
iced coffee
low-carb dining
body work
city views
the schuykill
mellow dogs
friendly cats
carrot juice
smart women
post-macho men
quirky kids
the new york times
speaking italian
the new yorker
learning how to connect
roast vegetables
cold soup
terry real
saunas
---
---
4:40 pm
fatigue is setting in along with nausea. i see that the woman i love has opened my email to her. i want to call her, hear her voice. and i think i'll let her have the quiet to process the day. i have to review a show tonight and i plan to have a talk with joan about what's going on in my life. i hope i'm not too agitated for the review or too despondent for the talk with joan.
---texts
Headline to dear You-- iam sorry you have had a miserable day, but you should be the first to know that no one has
supplanted you in my heart.
there was a bandwidth of spiritual familiarity with him, and it just felt good being totally my lself in a non pressured situation w a guy...but there were many areas of non resonance and there was no romantic vibe on my part
i want to read your ewails and blogs and hopefully sleep, so you may not get to read responses to you writing until later tonight.
You and me feels in process and i would welcom an evening tomorrow of intimate truth-sharing and Argo with you... and food secondary. i am feeling loving and open and shitty i put through the last few days... and i feel a little clearer about me and men.
a
And i really love you@
----
so what do we have here? perhaps a new beginning? i'm certainly ready.
i don't mean just a new start for lynn and nancy, although that's really nice to think about, i mean a new life for me with a new sense of myself.
what i learned is that i am willing to put up with a great deal of pain for the sake of a better, purer emotional space. i don't want to spend the rest of my life on the surface of my self and the world. i want to dig.
so what does this mean?
how do i know?
my guess is that it starts with confronting some truths. the woman i'm in love with is good with childhood wounds, so i'll take advantage of her knowledge. another guess is that writing about it is at the heart of things for me. the writing i did here ain't bad. it really hurt to do it, but it's not bad stuff and it may even be of value.
so. here's my short-term plan: from now 'til the end of summer, i'm going to maximize self-knowledge. i guess that means something like a
•radical honesty coupled with an
•unaccustomed humility.
first task: sit down
second: shut up and listen
third; breathe
fourth: pay attention
fifth: tell my story
i need to do something with my body too. my way has been good so far, and now it's time (see above) to go deeper. i guess i'll start by asking questions.
the woman i love wants to talk. i suspect that it won't be the boys-and-girls together chat i'm hoping for, but it could be a great opportunity for me to just listen to her and keep my self in its place. so tomorrow, it starts. every day with her is a dive down if i have the courage and after today, what could scare me?
---- ps. i get a note from her with this line;
The decision to keep my relationship w Chris at a platonic minimum doesn't (alas!) totally inform the rest of my relationship life
scare me? there's a fair warning.
No comments:
Post a Comment