This morning, waking up in a strange bed, I had twe thoughts right after my eyes opened. The first was the realization that when I have been sharing my pain with Nancy, a little part of me has been wanting to punish her with it.
"Here, look what you've done, you short-sighted pretender! Suffer along with me, you deserve it."
Along with that realization came the certainty that it has to stop. It's not fair to Nancy, of course. But it's also untrue to me. If I use my pain to punish her, I'm not really feeling it. In fact, I'm diluting and perverting my experience. That's not who I am.
My second thought was that I couldn't remember if that was hypnogogic or hypnopompic. I think it's
-pompic.
My third thought is that there's something key-like here. If I'm angry with her, I will tell her. When it hurts, I'll tell her. But I can't heal if I don't own the whole damn ugly stinking thing. And my goal is to come out of this a whole man. I can almost see that state of being, even from here. It's in the distance, and I can see it.
I still feel why Nancy thinks she has to leave and I want her to have the man she wants, the relationship she wants. I'm also still not ready to say that her decision was good: (visual words come to mind-short-sighted, blind, myopic.)
Whatever goodness her decision might have for her, it's only a disaster for me if I don't take it on with my strength instead of with the weakling move of punishing her with my pain. I have what it takes to get through this in a way that will make me like myself, and that starts now.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Monday, August 7, 2017
We Both Feel Sad
So, I've been demoted.
A few weeks ago, I was a partner. Now, I'm a friend.
I haven't exactly been kicked out, but I've been shown the open door. Everything is in halves: maybe we'll make love sometimes, maybe we won't. What does it mean to be a friend when you're in love?
It means trying to cherish your beloveds distance from you. It means having an acre of love and a tabletop to put it on.
Tonight, we're not sleeping together for the first time in a long time. Nancy calls and says she's sad.
I'm sad too, but it's not the same sad. She's doing something that needs to be done and she's sad because she knows it hurts me and because she's going to miss the goodness between us. I'm sad because I think this is a waste and waste is ugly. I hate wasting beauty, I hate wasting goodness.
I want her to have what she wants to have. I do. And so, I'll do all the right things, take myself out the open door, not hang around or act as if I had some right to be near her. I'll protect my heart, I'll cry, but I won't burst in.
I'll even try to be a friend. I will, and I can't imagine what will happen on the day she tells me there's another man. I should probably arm myself: go online, be charming. But I think it would be another waste.
I'll take the opportunity to feel the pain of this. I'll medicate judiciously: creativity and good food, maybe some art and music. But mostly I'll just feel the pain and see what comes of it.
The bright side? You mean there's a bright side? Well, maybe. I've been wanting to do some deep diving into my self. I don't want to do it for someone else and I don't want it to be too closely supervised by my lover. This needs to be me alone doing the work with a therapist, or two therapists and a guru and a counselor and a facilitator and maybe even a personal trainer. In a certain world, it would be a good thing that nancy dumped me. I just don't happen to live in that world yet.
It's not the booby prize-being able to do this growth work now, but I wish...oh, you can guess what i wish.
---
The worst part is going to bed. I could play with the pain downstairs, but I dread getting into bed.
So I've medicated by staying up-watching youtube videos- now I am drunk with fatigue.
A few weeks ago, I was a partner. Now, I'm a friend.
I haven't exactly been kicked out, but I've been shown the open door. Everything is in halves: maybe we'll make love sometimes, maybe we won't. What does it mean to be a friend when you're in love?
It means trying to cherish your beloveds distance from you. It means having an acre of love and a tabletop to put it on.
Tonight, we're not sleeping together for the first time in a long time. Nancy calls and says she's sad.
I'm sad too, but it's not the same sad. She's doing something that needs to be done and she's sad because she knows it hurts me and because she's going to miss the goodness between us. I'm sad because I think this is a waste and waste is ugly. I hate wasting beauty, I hate wasting goodness.
I want her to have what she wants to have. I do. And so, I'll do all the right things, take myself out the open door, not hang around or act as if I had some right to be near her. I'll protect my heart, I'll cry, but I won't burst in.
I'll even try to be a friend. I will, and I can't imagine what will happen on the day she tells me there's another man. I should probably arm myself: go online, be charming. But I think it would be another waste.
I'll take the opportunity to feel the pain of this. I'll medicate judiciously: creativity and good food, maybe some art and music. But mostly I'll just feel the pain and see what comes of it.
The bright side? You mean there's a bright side? Well, maybe. I've been wanting to do some deep diving into my self. I don't want to do it for someone else and I don't want it to be too closely supervised by my lover. This needs to be me alone doing the work with a therapist, or two therapists and a guru and a counselor and a facilitator and maybe even a personal trainer. In a certain world, it would be a good thing that nancy dumped me. I just don't happen to live in that world yet.
It's not the booby prize-being able to do this growth work now, but I wish...oh, you can guess what i wish.
---
The worst part is going to bed. I could play with the pain downstairs, but I dread getting into bed.
So I've medicated by staying up-watching youtube videos- now I am drunk with fatigue.
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