Be it known:
that i am irrevocably placing the following restriction on the Agreement Concerning Complete Openness and Truth that exists between me and one Dr. Nancy Dreyfus.
i hold in perpetuity the right to keep certain secrets. to wit:
•any considerations, preparations, experiences, feeling, thoughts relating to a surprise delight for said Dr. Dreyfus are my privileged territory.
•any humorous reservations i hold about her high seriousness that soften such seriousness' landing without diluting its importance may be taken as an internal higher counsel.
•any pissy, pedantic thoughts that arise in the course of our conversations shall be kept in a playroom of their own where like can frolic with like.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Thursday, November 3, 2016
The Life I Want and Never Talked About
how odd to finally say it:
i want to make utterances and have them heard. and i want to hear back from beloved others and reply. yeah, i want conversations, gentle and stimulating and weird and outrageous and private and public. i want to hear and i want to be heard.
here are some pieces: i want to make pictures, i want to write poems, jokes and stories. i want to promulgate silliness. i want to create fun because i think it's the raw material of joy and joy, if it isn't nirvana, is at least the earthly paradise. my joy is in creating joy. students applauding at the end of a semester isn't about my ego, it's about the joy.
and to make that all happen, i want to teach. there is a part of me missing when i'm not teaching.
and there's love. i want this woman. i want her to want me so much that she's willing to listen and trust that i'll be there for her. i want to do with her and be with her. i want declarations, celebrations, pronouncements, awesome silence, electric contact. i want to make love with her once, just once and i want that once to destroy time or at least mock its seriousness.
and i would like rituals. i want the doing that has the meaning that supports the feeling in a big geertzian triangle. i left judaism, but it left me first and i want to feel in the sacred without feeling silly.
and of course, there's me and the outside. i need to feel, not just think, my connection with the world. i need to deny what i was told-that it's not real. i need trees and bugs and butterflies (oh, butterflies!) i need to see the birds and watch sun coming through green leaves and smells and the wonder of it all.
i know i am forever when i take my temporary self out into the forever and i see there's no distance.
i do this best on the water. i need to be near water, it's my truth.
and i need the city. i need the bop-biddy-bop of new york and philly. i need the smell of deli and cheese shop and the taste of beer and fish and fruit like at uncle charlie's. (funny: that silly guy knew me so well that it freaked me out and i never let myself get close to him). i need the variety-vitality of the mix. when i die, i want a city street named after me. if i can't have that, a library will do. or a three-tap beer bar where the management swore allegiance to delicious.
I couldn't do without old friends and the simple love of them: the whole Silkman family, Nyheim, Julio, Gilmore, Welsh. And of course-I'm almost too scared to say it: my darling Spencer who's turned into an amazing human being (and i wonder if it's in spite of me.)
and i need the non-human beings-the dogs and cats, those friendships that have no ego, just love and touch. i want to sit at the magic dinner table with bill and spike and muscular and lola and bodhi and frankie and jersey. and i don't want to have to apologize to a single human being for the holiness of these other beings.
i would like to thank Nancy Dreyfus, Lance Roberds, the Hoffman Process, Stuart Shils, Hal Sirowitz, Kathy Bonanno, Jon Deutsch and Spencer Hoffman for keeping this vision alive even when i forgot to give it water and light. oh and did i mention Nancy Dreyfus? she's the woman in question, the woman i want for the rituals, and the talk and the joy and the one-time only love.
it's odd that i got this old before she came along
it's odd that i got this old before i said this all aloud
but life is odd and that's what i want: life.
i want to make utterances and have them heard. and i want to hear back from beloved others and reply. yeah, i want conversations, gentle and stimulating and weird and outrageous and private and public. i want to hear and i want to be heard.
here are some pieces: i want to make pictures, i want to write poems, jokes and stories. i want to promulgate silliness. i want to create fun because i think it's the raw material of joy and joy, if it isn't nirvana, is at least the earthly paradise. my joy is in creating joy. students applauding at the end of a semester isn't about my ego, it's about the joy.
and to make that all happen, i want to teach. there is a part of me missing when i'm not teaching.
and there's love. i want this woman. i want her to want me so much that she's willing to listen and trust that i'll be there for her. i want to do with her and be with her. i want declarations, celebrations, pronouncements, awesome silence, electric contact. i want to make love with her once, just once and i want that once to destroy time or at least mock its seriousness.
and i would like rituals. i want the doing that has the meaning that supports the feeling in a big geertzian triangle. i left judaism, but it left me first and i want to feel in the sacred without feeling silly.
and of course, there's me and the outside. i need to feel, not just think, my connection with the world. i need to deny what i was told-that it's not real. i need trees and bugs and butterflies (oh, butterflies!) i need to see the birds and watch sun coming through green leaves and smells and the wonder of it all.
i know i am forever when i take my temporary self out into the forever and i see there's no distance.
i do this best on the water. i need to be near water, it's my truth.
and i need the city. i need the bop-biddy-bop of new york and philly. i need the smell of deli and cheese shop and the taste of beer and fish and fruit like at uncle charlie's. (funny: that silly guy knew me so well that it freaked me out and i never let myself get close to him). i need the variety-vitality of the mix. when i die, i want a city street named after me. if i can't have that, a library will do. or a three-tap beer bar where the management swore allegiance to delicious.
I couldn't do without old friends and the simple love of them: the whole Silkman family, Nyheim, Julio, Gilmore, Welsh. And of course-I'm almost too scared to say it: my darling Spencer who's turned into an amazing human being (and i wonder if it's in spite of me.)
and i need the non-human beings-the dogs and cats, those friendships that have no ego, just love and touch. i want to sit at the magic dinner table with bill and spike and muscular and lola and bodhi and frankie and jersey. and i don't want to have to apologize to a single human being for the holiness of these other beings.
i would like to thank Nancy Dreyfus, Lance Roberds, the Hoffman Process, Stuart Shils, Hal Sirowitz, Kathy Bonanno, Jon Deutsch and Spencer Hoffman for keeping this vision alive even when i forgot to give it water and light. oh and did i mention Nancy Dreyfus? she's the woman in question, the woman i want for the rituals, and the talk and the joy and the one-time only love.
it's odd that i got this old before she came along
it's odd that i got this old before i said this all aloud
but life is odd and that's what i want: life.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
What to do if you're too angry to Do-Over right.
There's a moment when you know: this argument has gone the wrong way, things are out of hand, no good can walk through the door we just opened. The realization may hit you on the head or it may sneak up on you.
If you've been practicing the art of the Do-Over for a while, you'll probably get that sense pretty soon.
But sometimes, if you're new to it or if passions are running higher than usual, you may find yourself angry or confused. You may sense that you'd end up repeating that same agitated, angry or off-center rant that got you into this in the first place.
You need a safety net. You need to climb back down from that high horse, take off the armor and meet your partner (remember, this is your loving partner) in a gentler place.
--
What makes this so hard is that you and your partner may find your very voices distorted by the anger that comes up. You want to stop the fight-cycle but even your request for a Do-Over has a toxic, hostile ring to it. The Do-Over itself may be doomed by the tension between you.
One proven way to neutralize the poison and get back to the love is to remove your voice from your words. You could point to a favorite biblical verse, I guess or dig out a particularly apt Valentine's Day card. But if you want to be sure your message fits the circumstance, there's another, more efficient solution.
There's a moment when you know: this argument has gone the wrong way, things are out of hand, no good can walk through the door we just opened. The realization may hit you on the head or it may sneak up on you.
If you've been practicing the art of the Do-Over for a while, you'll probably get that sense pretty soon.
But sometimes, if you're new to it or if passions are running higher than usual, you may find yourself angry or confused. You may sense that you'd end up repeating that same agitated, angry or off-center rant that got you into this in the first place.
You need a safety net. You need to climb back down from that high horse, take off the armor and meet your partner (remember, this is your loving partner) in a gentler place.
--
What makes this so hard is that you and your partner may find your very voices distorted by the anger that comes up. You want to stop the fight-cycle but even your request for a Do-Over has a toxic, hostile ring to it. The Do-Over itself may be doomed by the tension between you.
One proven way to neutralize the poison and get back to the love is to remove your voice from your words. You could point to a favorite biblical verse, I guess or dig out a particularly apt Valentine's Day card. But if you want to be sure your message fits the circumstance, there's another, more efficient solution.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Chapter Y: How (Why) it Works
Chapter Y: How the Holy Do-Over Works
• We understand your skepticism. You may feel that what's done is done and if you could have done better, you would have. It may also seem that looking at a better way to do the same thing can only lead to pessimism about ever getting this relationship stuff right.
If you regularly pretend to be a fireman, that doesn't mean you should rush into a burning building to rescue someone's puppy.We began this work only because we were so frustrated with our merry-go-round approach to working through a conflict. We had an awkward conversation one night: someone was testy, someone else got defensive. It didn't get better from there.
When we tried to talk about it, we repeated the same pattern as we talked. You said, I said turned out not to be very productive. We love each other, we wanted to work this out and we each wanted the other to feel heard and respected, but explanations and self-justification just weren't doing it.
We decided that we just had to do the damn thing over again, go back to that stupid conversation and do it right this time. After a few false starts, we got it right.
•This approach works by modeling behavior that leads to both people feeling better and their relationship working more smoothly. The good feeling (positive reinforcement) attaches to the new behaviors themselves and the content of your Hold Do-Over quickly becomes part of your repertoire of inter-personal skills. It works because you feel better immediately.
•Holy Do-Over has been used in tens/dozens/hundreds of situations by real couples who have faced problems like yours.
•The approach works whether you "believe in it" or not. There are two negative outcomes possible. The worst possible result of a Holy Do-Over is a repeat of your first conversation. Everything is the same as it was, you each do what you did in the Original Incident. Less worst is the possibility that you go through a HDO and you still don't feel any different. (This can happen for several reasons) in that case, what you've done is modeled a different approach to your problem. When the problem comes up again (and it will surely come up again in one form or another), you'll have an alternative way to deal with it and each other.
•There's research behind it.
• We understand your skepticism. You may feel that what's done is done and if you could have done better, you would have. It may also seem that looking at a better way to do the same thing can only lead to pessimism about ever getting this relationship stuff right.
If you regularly pretend to be a fireman, that doesn't mean you should rush into a burning building to rescue someone's puppy.We began this work only because we were so frustrated with our merry-go-round approach to working through a conflict. We had an awkward conversation one night: someone was testy, someone else got defensive. It didn't get better from there.
When we tried to talk about it, we repeated the same pattern as we talked. You said, I said turned out not to be very productive. We love each other, we wanted to work this out and we each wanted the other to feel heard and respected, but explanations and self-justification just weren't doing it.
We decided that we just had to do the damn thing over again, go back to that stupid conversation and do it right this time. After a few false starts, we got it right.
•This approach works by modeling behavior that leads to both people feeling better and their relationship working more smoothly. The good feeling (positive reinforcement) attaches to the new behaviors themselves and the content of your Hold Do-Over quickly becomes part of your repertoire of inter-personal skills. It works because you feel better immediately.
•Holy Do-Over has been used in tens/dozens/hundreds of situations by real couples who have faced problems like yours.
•The approach works whether you "believe in it" or not. There are two negative outcomes possible. The worst possible result of a Holy Do-Over is a repeat of your first conversation. Everything is the same as it was, you each do what you did in the Original Incident. Less worst is the possibility that you go through a HDO and you still don't feel any different. (This can happen for several reasons) in that case, what you've done is modeled a different approach to your problem. When the problem comes up again (and it will surely come up again in one form or another), you'll have an alternative way to deal with it and each other.
•There's research behind it.
Friday, July 22, 2016
The Holy Do-Over
When
I was a kid in Brooklyn, we played a lot of games that were
improvised versions of the serious, canonical games that we saw
played on television. There was stickball which looked like baseball
with a broomstick bat and a pink 'spaldeen' ball. it was played in
the street, usually with a manhole cover as home plate and temporary
bases assigned to car doors or fire hydrants. the rules were sort of
ad-hoc and in the absence of umpires, there were a lot of disputed
calls. since the game was far more important than the outcome, we
never let a disagreement over a fair or foul ball stop play.
If
we couldn't agree on a call, the most common result was an agreement
to do it over. Once both sides acknowledge that the other isn't
willing to concede and neither is interested in taking the ball and
going home, we'd agree: 'okay, it's a do-over'. A do-over wasn't, of
course, a replay of the original event: that would have been
impossible. Instead, a do-over was a completely fresh iteration of
the opportunity that had just occurred. It's still two strikes and
one out and you're still up and we take it from there.
A
Holy Do-Over in a relationship is a little like that. Something bad
happened: something where neither of you did your best and the
outcome isn't very satisfying. He was accusatory, she was defensive.
He sulked, she yelled. She was unkind, he was deaf. The outcome
sucked, you both feel terrible. Chances are that you can't unwind the
event, you can't blot it out and your mutual failure sits like a
smelly embarrassment between you. You can't have an Undo, but you can
have a Do-Over.
A
Do-Over is an agreement to suspend your feelings for the moment, to
see them as mere artifacts of a need, whiskers to be shaved off and
allowed to grow back in a different color and texture. In a Do-Over
you return to your needs, consider your love, take up your courage
and act the way you might have acted the first time if you had been
true to yourself.
Of
course, the kind of Do-Over we're talking about here has higher
stakes than the street ball version.You're playing with each other's
humanity, which is to say that your staking your own on the outcome.
In a Holy Do-Over, everybody wins.
Guidelines
for a useful Holy Do-Over
•wait
as long as you need to, but no longer
one
necessary pre-condition is that both of you have taken a step back
from where you were emotionally. you now see your behavior as a
'thing-you-did' and not as 'you'. As long as you're still identifiied
with what you just did and said, you can only have a Repeat, which is
not the same as a Do-Over.
with
practice, the latency period can be very short. Couples who have
learned to play the game can sometimes regroup immediately as both of
them realize that their best selves weren't operating.
•replicate,
don't duplicate
in
so far as you can return to the place where the first event happened,
do so. if you can make the situation similar in any other way, good
for you. it's a mistake to strive for cinematic perfection though.
For one thing, all that obsessing just gets in the way. More
importantly, you want cues in the environment that tell you that this
is new, that you are free to do and be as you didn't the last time.
•immerse
yourself in the feeling, but don't rehearse.
the
point of a do-over is to enlist your best self to show up and be you.
one way to scare that best self away is to give yourself a script.
it
doesn't matter if you wrote the script or if you borrowed it from
someone else: a re-do is not a performance, it's a natural emanation
of
your reflected, refined essential self. if you be you, but don't be
rehearsed.
Magic
has responsibilities.
Religions
have forbidden magic for a reason. Salem witches, ecc. the magician
abrogates the powers of the divine:
in
truth the magician commands what the religious supplicant begs for.
When
you mess around with the laws of nature, you're very much
obliged to respect the outcomes of your experiments.
so
what you're doing here is dangerous stuff: powerful and sacred. done
frivolously, it won't work; done half-seriously it could make you
crazy.
you're
playing around with two natural laws.
first,
you're denying time; you're going backwards by acting as if time
hadn't elapsed and you have your hands on the hands of the clock.
second,
you're screwing with cause and effect. you're taking the effect of
some previous act and using it as the cause of the original act
itself.
(stay
with me now) your do-over is an effect that's (in effect) becoming
the cause of its own cause.
dizzy
yet? good.
so
that's why you have to approach the act of the do-over with a certain
gravity if not outright reverence. you're bending the laws of nature
for your own interests. make sure it's worth it. don't joke, pray.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Miraculous Thinking
i quote her to herself as 'quote of the day'. this is her response:
Thank you for making the reservation, Honey...how about coming here 6:30? Very looking forward to going there...I think you'll really like the food. And I like that we are celebrating our celebrating!
-----
The woman i'm in love with is completely in love with me. she tells me this two, three, seven, twelve times, each time in a different, enchanting way. we are going to cape cod together. we are planning things. let's attend a workshop, let's. she tells me how much i mean to her and my heart, which is not used to this at all is full to bursting. this is not the miracle.
my feelings are so intense that i long for little bouts of boredom to make it real. i want to read the times with her, i want to run errands, go for a walk, cook a quick dinner and see a movie. i want to tell her about that time in college, i want her to tell me about when her daughter was born. i am fond enough of the mundane that this is not the miracle either
--
there are agenda items of course. i am still an undergraduate in the department of 'other people's feelings are only their feelings'. the ground on which my self stands is a bit crumbly, but she seems to like the location. she has chosen to make this work. that's the miracle and i have no choice but to become a miracle myself.
if you read this blog from the beginning, would you have believed this ending? i can barely go back to read it myself, i fear i'll recreate it as true. however, it's time to be fearless again.
Thank you for making the reservation, Honey...how about coming here 6:30? Very looking forward to going there...I think you'll really like the food. And I like that we are celebrating our celebrating!
About the drink classes...you know me, always happy to offer "input, " but here, I kinda draw a blank, not sure what to tell you (maybe why you are also ambivalent, not sure...)
I guess you have to feel in as to whether the experience would be: enlivening enough...lucrative enough...or in some way expansive of a vibe that mattered (an not necessarily alcohol...simply an opportunity to teach something new....) Curious to hear about your process, though....
Yeah, I know who said, "Love is all its cracked up to be..." I've said it somewhat mindlessly for so many years, I'm actually dazzled to find out it is true."
Thank you for pointing out the significance of the Melanie-Walter episode. I actually got to understand more of what I actually do.
I'm the one who is so into "real." And I've needed you to show up to make Love real to me.
So looking forward to having my arms around you. N.
-----
The woman i'm in love with is completely in love with me. she tells me this two, three, seven, twelve times, each time in a different, enchanting way. we are going to cape cod together. we are planning things. let's attend a workshop, let's. she tells me how much i mean to her and my heart, which is not used to this at all is full to bursting. this is not the miracle.
my feelings are so intense that i long for little bouts of boredom to make it real. i want to read the times with her, i want to run errands, go for a walk, cook a quick dinner and see a movie. i want to tell her about that time in college, i want her to tell me about when her daughter was born. i am fond enough of the mundane that this is not the miracle either
--
there are agenda items of course. i am still an undergraduate in the department of 'other people's feelings are only their feelings'. the ground on which my self stands is a bit crumbly, but she seems to like the location. she has chosen to make this work. that's the miracle and i have no choice but to become a miracle myself.
if you read this blog from the beginning, would you have believed this ending? i can barely go back to read it myself, i fear i'll recreate it as true. however, it's time to be fearless again.
Monday, June 27, 2016
WGLB radio-the glibster
The woman i'm in love with hits me over the head. "what i want is a man who's not like my father. my father was an infant. i have almost no memory of him ever acting competently."
then she shows me a list she wrote 30 years ago: all the qualities she was looking for in a man. it's three pages long, handwritten. as soon as she shows it to me, she decides not to share it. i urge her on.
"something from the middle of page two!" i suggest. she looks at page two and says nothing. " read that one!" i say, pointing to a line in the middle. something about the line jolts her. she reads "He will like food and cooking". and then she reads me the rest.
the rest sounds-if i do say so myself-a bit like a description of me and us. and this is when i realize that my neediness in this relationship has been undermining the strength of this relationship. i don't blame myself much, the potential for growth in contact with this woman is tremendous. i could see the me that i want to be growing out of it. that i became less of me in order to reach for more of me is just one of those little 'fuck you's from the irony angel.
---
something else happens this weekend. we are getting closer, no, really closer. she tells me sweet things and i respond in my father's voice ratcheting down the emotions with a joke. between saturday night and sunday, i do this three times. the third time, she cries.
of course, i'm flabbergasted. i think i'm acknowledging the feeling while lightening the tone. giving the message wings and taking away some weight. she doesn't see it that way, it makes her feel less willing to share the really important stuff that's coming up for her.
since her intimacy is my new oxygen, i take this very seriously. i'm also disarmed: it's like finding out that your daily vitamin pill is giving you cancer.
to complicate things, she does this too! she writes me a sweet email on sunday afternoon saying that 'there will be no more of this reading the sunday times alone, not-negotiable'. the tone is light and sweet (reminds me of her coffee) and it makes me smile and it makes me feel wanted and it sends a message of more closeness. i reply
well, if you insist...feet up, coffee smells, smoked salmon and cream cheese roll-ups. i guess i could handle it. . . .
it feels to me that i've matched tone for tone, that i heard her voice and my heart called back in the same language. she calls me to make sure that i got the message that she really sent. poor lynn is misunderstood again.
---
so let's put that one aside for the moment. the real question is 'what am i doing when i dilute the seriousness of what she's saying with a turn to glibness'? i need an answer because it's such an easy response for me and it hurts her feelings. i also need an answer that respects my needs as reflected in the glib gambit. i know i'm not being a jerk, there's something kind and good in that light response (i can feel it). but i have to undo it because it's not working.
i have two clues: one is that the voice is entirely my father's. the second is that it's a reflexive-no thought-response to some kind of discomfort. 'things are getting very serious here, better lighten them up'. i guess that's an adaptive response from some other time. when? what?
now i'm out of clues.
---
at the gym, sometime around the 20th pull-up, it comes to me. i say that silly shit because there's nothing else in my experience. that would be a serious problem if i were looking for a recipe for trout. but i'm not. i'm looking to respond to the woman i'm in love with in a way that answers her genuine love with mine.
i could just wait for next time and go to the genuine love locker and pick out whatever comes up. but i think i'll be more chefly and get my mise-en-place together. i have a half hour before dog walk and i think i'll go to the cushion and see what arises. if it turns out that it's really blank in there, i will confess my blankness in the face of her love. i'll offer it up like a lamb.
and then we'll see what happens next, for in the end i always fill in the blanks.
then she shows me a list she wrote 30 years ago: all the qualities she was looking for in a man. it's three pages long, handwritten. as soon as she shows it to me, she decides not to share it. i urge her on.
"something from the middle of page two!" i suggest. she looks at page two and says nothing. " read that one!" i say, pointing to a line in the middle. something about the line jolts her. she reads "He will like food and cooking". and then she reads me the rest.
the rest sounds-if i do say so myself-a bit like a description of me and us. and this is when i realize that my neediness in this relationship has been undermining the strength of this relationship. i don't blame myself much, the potential for growth in contact with this woman is tremendous. i could see the me that i want to be growing out of it. that i became less of me in order to reach for more of me is just one of those little 'fuck you's from the irony angel.
---
something else happens this weekend. we are getting closer, no, really closer. she tells me sweet things and i respond in my father's voice ratcheting down the emotions with a joke. between saturday night and sunday, i do this three times. the third time, she cries.
of course, i'm flabbergasted. i think i'm acknowledging the feeling while lightening the tone. giving the message wings and taking away some weight. she doesn't see it that way, it makes her feel less willing to share the really important stuff that's coming up for her.
since her intimacy is my new oxygen, i take this very seriously. i'm also disarmed: it's like finding out that your daily vitamin pill is giving you cancer.
to complicate things, she does this too! she writes me a sweet email on sunday afternoon saying that 'there will be no more of this reading the sunday times alone, not-negotiable'. the tone is light and sweet (reminds me of her coffee) and it makes me smile and it makes me feel wanted and it sends a message of more closeness. i reply
well, if you insist...feet up, coffee smells, smoked salmon and cream cheese roll-ups. i guess i could handle it. . . .
it feels to me that i've matched tone for tone, that i heard her voice and my heart called back in the same language. she calls me to make sure that i got the message that she really sent. poor lynn is misunderstood again.
---
so let's put that one aside for the moment. the real question is 'what am i doing when i dilute the seriousness of what she's saying with a turn to glibness'? i need an answer because it's such an easy response for me and it hurts her feelings. i also need an answer that respects my needs as reflected in the glib gambit. i know i'm not being a jerk, there's something kind and good in that light response (i can feel it). but i have to undo it because it's not working.
i have two clues: one is that the voice is entirely my father's. the second is that it's a reflexive-no thought-response to some kind of discomfort. 'things are getting very serious here, better lighten them up'. i guess that's an adaptive response from some other time. when? what?
now i'm out of clues.
---
at the gym, sometime around the 20th pull-up, it comes to me. i say that silly shit because there's nothing else in my experience. that would be a serious problem if i were looking for a recipe for trout. but i'm not. i'm looking to respond to the woman i'm in love with in a way that answers her genuine love with mine.
i could just wait for next time and go to the genuine love locker and pick out whatever comes up. but i think i'll be more chefly and get my mise-en-place together. i have a half hour before dog walk and i think i'll go to the cushion and see what arises. if it turns out that it's really blank in there, i will confess my blankness in the face of her love. i'll offer it up like a lamb.
and then we'll see what happens next, for in the end i always fill in the blanks.
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