Chapter Y: How (Why) it Works

   Chapter Y: How the Holy Do-Over Works

• We understand your skepticism. You may feel that what's done is done and if you could have done better, you would have. It may also seem that looking at a better way to do the same thing can only lead to pessimism about ever getting this relationship stuff right.

If you regularly pretend to be a fireman, that doesn't mean you should rush into a burning building to rescue someone's puppy.We began this work only because we were so frustrated with our merry-go-round approach to working through a conflict. We had an awkward conversation one night: someone was testy, someone else got defensive. It didn't get better from there.
When we tried to talk about it, we repeated the same pattern as we talked. You said, I said turned out not to be very productive. We love each other, we wanted to work this out and we each wanted the other to feel heard and respected, but explanations and self-justification just weren't doing it.
We decided that we just had to do the damn thing over again, go back to that stupid conversation and do it right this time. After a few false starts, we got it right.

•This approach works by modeling behavior that leads to both people feeling better and their relationship working more smoothly. The good feeling (positive reinforcement) attaches to the new behaviors themselves and the content of your Hold Do-Over quickly becomes part of your repertoire of inter-personal skills. It works because you feel better immediately.

•Holy Do-Over has been used in  tens/dozens/hundreds of situations by real couples who have  faced problems like yours.

•The approach works whether you "believe in it" or not. There are two negative outcomes possible. The worst possible result of a Holy Do-Over is a repeat of your first conversation. Everything is the same as it was, you each do what you did in the Original Incident.  Less worst is the possibility that you go through a HDO and you still don't feel any different. (This can happen for several reasons) in that case, what you've done is modeled a different approach to your problem. When the problem comes up again (and it will surely come up again in one form or another), you'll have an alternative way to deal with it and each other.

•There's research behind it.