nancy my dear,

i can really see how my way of being leaves you feeling un- or under-related to. frankly, i have no idea of how to grow out of it. i  really think it's a shame that you are involved with a man whose stature doesn't match yours.

for instance: in the rich mandel instance, i recall my own feeling of insecurity at the table that night and my sense of estrangement from all the confidence-in-vulnerability that i felt around me. what could i have done about that? i don't know. would i be different now? i don't really know that either.

for instance: with dave and marsha i can imagine that sometime or other i might feel free to address the crowded atmosphere and insert myself into their show, but when i think back to that night, i can't see myself being very different (maybe it's a version of not going where i'm not wanted)

for instance: when you respond to my enthusiasm about a vista by saying 'how is it different from any other view?' it recalls to me your equation of walmart and the woods. it says to me that the thing that's putting me in touch with the sublime is really not special, in fact not worthy of admiring.

and i hear it this way even after reading what you wrote. how is it different from any other view? doesn't make me feel related to, it makes me feel like you took my enthusiasm and used it to begin an argument for some philosophical point.

i don't want to talk about filing cabinets, i want to argue: i don't want to tell you that i understand how you could ask that,i don't naturally turn to 'nancy, i felt misperceived' i want to tell you that you got it wrong.

and when i replay it in my mind, even with the most loving will in the world, i can't see it much differently.

on the other hand:

when i think back to wellfleet, i can see myself being more concerned for you and therefore more aware of the wind.

when i think back to vernick, i can imagine being in a studier place with the waitress.

when i think back to tango, i remember our do-over and i see it differently because i have some new information.

when i think about dave and ally,i think i felt shy.  i think i could have prepared my thoughts beforehand so that i would have felt sturdier and therefore spoken up.

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taking in everything, i can see why you would be disappointed. i see that my limited filing categories and response-ability make it hard for you to be my friend. it is largely on me and it makes me very sad. i see too how this limits your sense of possibilities for us going forward. 

perhaps i've been too optimistic in thinking about a future without offering you the necessary personal infrastructure. i certainly accept your reticence and dampened curiosity as inevitable sequilae to my limited filing space.

so what shall we do? i would hate to lose you and to give up the vision i have of the mutual healing and creative doing we might experience. l love you.  but i also won't hang around (won't be where i'm not wanted) and be a pest if you are feeling pessimistic. i thought we were making progress. perhaps you do too. maybe my pessimistic take on your letter is a pure projection and in itself an example of the limited filing categories of which you complain. i don't know how to read your energy about this, so:

i am here for you to make it better if you want to take it one instance at a time. i'm willing to look at myself because i know that you'll do the same. i love you and i also recognize that for you, this may be a case where love is not enough.

holding you tenderly in my heart, lev

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ps. on the matter of 'people who like wine and beer....' i think i'd like to discuss that in front of lance

we're missing each other here and i think those words have aroused something that we could take a look at.