This morning, waking up in a strange bed, I had twe thoughts right after my eyes opened. The first was the realization that when I have been sharing my pain with Nancy, a little part of me has been wanting to punish her with it.
"Here, look what you've done, you short-sighted pretender! Suffer along with me, you deserve it."
Along with that realization came the certainty that it has to stop. It's not fair to Nancy, of course. But it's also untrue to me. If I use my pain to punish her, I'm not really feeling it. In fact, I'm diluting and perverting my experience. That's not who I am.
My second thought was that I couldn't remember if that was hypnogogic or hypnopompic. I think it's
-pompic.
My third thought is that there's something key-like here. If I'm angry with her, I will tell her. When it hurts, I'll tell her. But I can't heal if I don't own the whole damn ugly stinking thing. And my goal is to come out of this a whole man. I can almost see that state of being, even from here. It's in the distance, and I can see it.
I still feel why Nancy thinks she has to leave and I want her to have the man she wants, the relationship she wants. I'm also still not ready to say that her decision was good: (visual words come to mind-short-sighted, blind, myopic.)
Whatever goodness her decision might have for her, it's only a disaster for me if I don't take it on with my strength instead of with the weakling move of punishing her with my pain. I have what it takes to get through this in a way that will make me like myself, and that starts now.
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